Maliina =)

While I'm writing this, tears are falling down my face...
Yesterday was the worst day ever and this week is
by no doubts the worst fucking week of my life!!!

Yesterday the day came that I thought could never happen...
I thought we would always be together and that we would
make it somehow... That we were "unbreakable"... I guess I
was living in a dream-world where I thought nothing could
come between us, not even the distance... And now..
I see my dream-world has fallen apart.. it no longer excists..

Every hour, every minute of the day I keep hoping he will call me
or just tell me: "I'm sorry baby, i made a terrible mistake, I love you
and  I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I'm jumping off school
and I'm moving to sweden next week!"  OMG, I'm pathetic!!!

I've been trying to think about this logical... He has 1.5 years left in
school, I will start study this autumn, we would not be able to see
eachother that often, and so on.. What happened is probably for the
best, I know that.. But right now it's hard to be logical... In fact, it's
impossible... I think about it all the time, can't do anything else but
lying in my bed, crying..

I haven't eaten for 3 days... can't eat, can't sleep, can't think about
anything else but this.... It's driving me insane!!! This morning I woke
up at 7.00 from hunger... it has never happend before.. I went
downstairs but all I did was to drink some water, and went back to
bed with ache in my stomache... what's happening to me?! :S

I'm starting to panic when I think about that I will never see him again,
not his family, i will not go to latvia again and meet the others either
probably.. We've been together for almost 1.5 years, which have been the
best 1.5 years of my life, and I just can't accept that it's over....
I  can't believe it.. I can't get it in to my brain!!

Today is also a bad day, since it's 2 years ago Eric died... I'm still angry at
him for doing it, but right now... a part of me wants to join him... :S

I have never felt this fucking bad in my entire life!!!! I don't ever want to fall in love
again, and I'm scared of the future, wtf will happen now?! People tell me to:
"Move on, go out, party, meet new people..." but I can't..

This was my life.. HE was my life.. I would do anything to bring back time,
or make everything back to normal... I still love him so fucking much!!
and I really can't imagine a life without him.... :S



again I'm not quite sure why I'm writing in english.. maybe it's because
I've learned to express myself better in english.. or maybe I just want
Him to read this..... :'(